childhood visions 02/16/2011
it’s amazing how a few simple ingredients can be mashed together to form something delicious and comforting. i can close my eyes and see my grandmother pounding bread dough on her wooden table. how many times did i pinch a piece of dough when i thought she wasn’t looking. and i can still smell the fresh out of the oven buttery loaves laying under a fresh tea towel on her counter. if only life were really that simple again. i know now that life wasn’t that simple. it seemed simple because my needs, goals, tasks were more focused. i envy people who seem easy-going and wonder what they are really thinking under that “nothing bothers me” veneer. one of my fav authors is Walter Wangerin. my copy of “Little Lamb Who Made Thee?” has been read and re-read many times. every time i read it, i am left with knew understanding. He has a wisdom and insight into human nature that resounds within my heart. he delves into his own childhood and parenthood then offers explainations about life issues affecting children, parents, and adults caring for aging/sick loved ones. why should we understand childhood? God has declared that unless we approach him as a child, we will not enter the kingdom. Wangerin’s writings have helped me reconcile the many short-comings i feel when i look at my relationship with God. i see who i want to be, and have even had small glimpses of who i could be. but am so far away from that woman in the vision. i don’t even know where to meet her in the middle. Mr. Wangerin you almost convince me that i can be that meek child that approaches the throne to receive her new glorified being.
a blazing “L” needs to be branded to my face some days. there are no such things as white lies. that statement is just as bad as ugly truth. where did we get the right to convince ourselves and others that some lies could be painted with a different colour and therefore become safe. do they give less injury if they are white? if they don’t injure the listener they will injure the teller. a teen asked me for a dollar the other day. i was minding my own business waiting for my laundry to finish tumbling in the dryer. i lied and said i didn’t carry cash. i felt a burning sensation creep deep into my gut, and prayed that it wouldn’t creep to my face as the blush so easily does. even when i am innocent my cheeks and neck flash red in a single heartbeat. but now in my guilt i had something to hide that i didn’t want betrayed by my blush. i did have a dollar to give. but my truth was covered in a lie. my truth is so much harder to form out loud. my truth can sting like a slap to the face. but my guilt can lay in the pit of my gut like a fiery little creature looking to hibernate. i had a dollar to give, but i decided that i didnt’ feel like being generous. again my mind raced with 100 excuses. $$$ is tight…i have to work twice as hard to get half the pay i used to… i was down to my last dollar…i didn’t feel like giving my last dollar to someone who is probably lazy and should be out trying to earn their own. even as he asked for the $ i could picture it sitting at the bottom of my purse nestled amongst a handful of pennies and a couple dimes. the asker didn’t seem too bothered by my denial of $$. he shrugged and walked out of the room. i have been reminded of it constantly with a feeling worse than indigestion. it bothers me even to this moment, and it’s been nearly a week. i still haven’t been able to spend that dollar sitting in the bottom of my purse. it may as well be glued to my forehead as a constant reminder. you see, i know the ONE who gave everything so we could have a better life. if Jesus had one $ in his pocket he would have given it away. better to be open than to be revealed (a). the Truth will set you free (b). THE WAY THE TRUTH THE LIFE (c). HIS TRUTH stings with a gentle whisper… i still lack faith to trust that giving away my last $ will not leave me destitute. faith without evidence is dead (d). there is spiritual life in truth, therefore the consequence of lies/sin is death (e). death must be the creature that sits in my gut right now.
Luke 12:2 (a), John 8: 32 (b), John 14:6 (c), James 2:17,20,26 (d), Proverbs 10:16 (e), Romans 6:23 (e)
100 pieces of me 02/08/2011
a perfect square. 10×10=100. 100 dollars for a new jogging stroller. 100 sins. 100 loads of laundry. 100 hugs. 100 kisses. 100 x 20 years since Jesus walked the earth. 100 days to break a bad habit. or in my case 100 m&m’s and 100 doritos since i resolved to try and lose 100 pounds in 2011. 100 times falling off the diet wagon. 100 times getting back up to try again. simple math. eat less move more. logically if i eat 100 less calories a day and burn 100 more calories in exercise i should shrink. unfortunately that logic doesn’t always translate easily to weight loss. human emotion and error tend to get in the way. my mind is weighed down by the guilt of 100 mistakes today. have you ever tried to lift something that weighs 100 pounds? it is usually too heavy for one person. if you take it apart pound by pound it will be easier to shift. why am i willing to carry the extra 100 around day by day by day by day? instead of taking it apart piece by piece and relieving myself of the physical burden? i have to be honest with myself. sometimes it is easier not to try at all, rather than risk failure. admitting we need to change, means admitting we are doing something wrong.100 negative thoughts stand in the way of progress. if my negative thoughts had weight i would never be able to get out of bed in the morning. wait a minute. they do have weight. for every donut, french fry, and milkshake binge is fueled by negative thoughts. and given physical evidence in the climbing numbers on my digital scale and waistband. 100 guilty pleasures. 100 foot steps. 100 pieces of flesh. i need to find a way to lose 100 pieces of me.