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Monthly Archives: February 2011

Stranger Danger

For someone who never really had the nerve to speak up about anything for most of my life, things have really changed in the last year.  It is easier to talk to strangers than it is to people I have known for a long time.  I find myself talking to strangers more and more everyday.  Not just behind the privacy of my computer aliases, but in line ups at stores, coffee shops, and random places that my wander lust brings me. It used to be that I would stand stoic in line, waiting for my turn to be next, sometimes grumbling under my breath at the hold-ups.  I used to be able to stealthfully slip into stores and get my purchases home with little attention being drawn to me at all.  Now, I feel like I need to have a little more patience and to put on a happy face during shopping trips. It’s not that I am in any less of a hurry now, or have less on my mind.  I feel like everyone is watching the crazy lady with the cute kid to see what she will do next.  Paranoid?  

The biggest change in the last year and a bit?  For those that don’t know me, I am usually wrestling with an 18 month old while loading and unloading a cart, loading bags, handing over coupons, and paying the cashier.  And then if the totals come up wrong, hold on for another endless wait for correction, or worse yet, be sent to another line up @ the service desk to get your OWN money back.  Phew…excuse the mid-blog rant.  The physics of shopping have changed, so I have had to change too.  It is almost impossible to travel unseen or unheard in public places when you have a baby.  And the odds seem stacked against you for even the simplist of outings: 

1)A stroller or cart loaded to capacity, almost impossible to turn a corner without being Hercules. 

2)The Toddler screaming for the snacks on the shelves or in the hands of other people nearby.

3) The mommy brain that won’t let you remember what was on the list you left on the kitchen counter.

4) Getting on or off a bus with a fully loaded stroller and traversing 3 foot high snowbanks so carefully carved by the plows, and hard packed by the cold.

5) I forgot what I wanted to write for this one…

That being said, I can choose to let the frustrations come out and bombard the people who happen to share my personal space.  Or I can try to put a humourous spin on the situation.  The talking to strangers factor can sometimes pay off.  And generally I find that a smiling baby brings out the best in people, and somehow gives them the desire to be friendly in a situation that could be stressful or irritating.  Yes, I know there are people who claim to hate children, I have met many over the years.  I’m not addressing them today.  A smiling baby also distracts people when you cut in front of them in line.  Talking to strangers has become a newly learned social skill for me.  Apparently it’s not too late to teach this old cat some new tricks. Now if only I could remember what my closing point was supposed to be.

it’s all greek to me

i always claim to be adventurous, but here i am in a new domain and floundering around like a fish out of water. OCD issues are rampant. everything looks different. will just have to get over it and feel my way around this place.  and yes, i’m being literal.  i am too distracted to actually write a blog today, though i have promised myself that Wednesdays would be my writing day. i have been trying to edit this page since yesterday and have at least gotten so far as to find a way to edit out the generic “model” blog posted by the site…so i think i can let myself be pleased at that small success. and try to write a real blog later, afterall Wednesday doesn’t end for another 13 hours.

In the Beginning…Imported blogs

childhood visions 02/16/2011

 it’s amazing how a few simple ingredients can be mashed together to form something delicious and comforting. i can close my eyes and see my grandmother pounding bread dough on her wooden table. how many times did i pinch a piece of dough when i thought she wasn’t looking. and i can still smell the fresh out of the oven buttery loaves laying under a fresh tea towel on her counter.  if only life were really that simple again.  i know now that life wasn’t that simple. it seemed simple because my needs, goals, tasks were more focused. i envy people who seem easy-going and wonder what they are really thinking under that “nothing bothers me” veneer. one of my fav authors is Walter Wangerin. my copy of  “Little Lamb Who Made Thee?” has been read and re-read many times. every time i read it, i am left with knew understanding. He has a wisdom and insight into human nature that resounds within my heart.  he delves into his own childhood and parenthood then offers explainations about life issues affecting children, parents, and adults caring for aging/sick loved ones. why should we understand childhood? God has declared that unless we approach him as a child, we will not enter the kingdom. Wangerin’s writings have helped me reconcile the many short-comings i feel when i look at my relationship with God. i see who i want to be, and have even had small glimpses of who i could be. but am so far away from that woman in the vision. i don’t even know where to meet her in the middle. Mr. Wangerin you almost convince me that i can be that meek child that approaches the throne to receive her new glorified being.

 liar 02/14/2011

 a blazing “L” needs to be branded to my face some days. there are no such things as white lies. that statement is just as bad as ugly truth. where did we get the right to convince ourselves and others that some lies could be painted with a different colour and therefore become safe. do they give less injury if they are white? if they don’t injure the listener they will injure the teller.  a teen asked me for a dollar the other day. i was minding my own business waiting for my laundry to finish tumbling in the dryer. i lied and said i didn’t carry cash. i felt a burning sensation creep deep into my gut, and prayed that it wouldn’t creep to my face as the blush so easily does. even when i am innocent my cheeks and neck flash red in a single heartbeat. but now in my guilt i had something to hide that i didn’t want betrayed by my blush. i did have a dollar to give. but my truth was covered in a lie. my truth is so much harder to form out loud. my truth can sting like a slap to the face. but my guilt can lay in the pit of my gut like a fiery little creature looking to hibernate. i had a dollar to give, but i decided that i didnt’ feel like being generous. again my mind raced with 100 excuses. $$$ is tight…i have to work twice as hard to get half the pay i used to… i was down to my last dollar…i didn’t feel like giving my last dollar to someone who is probably lazy and should be out trying to earn their own. even as he asked for the $ i could picture it sitting at the bottom of my purse nestled amongst a handful of pennies and a couple dimes. the asker didn’t seem too bothered by my denial of $$. he shrugged and walked out of the room. i have been reminded of it constantly with a feeling worse than indigestion. it bothers me even to this moment, and it’s been nearly a week. i still haven’t been able to spend that dollar sitting in the bottom of my purse. it may as well be glued to my forehead as a constant reminder. you see, i know the ONE who gave everything so we could have a better life. if Jesus had one $ in his pocket he would have given it away. better to be open than to be revealed (a). the Truth will set you free (b). THE WAY THE TRUTH THE LIFE (c).  HIS TRUTH stings with a gentle whisper… i still lack faith to trust that giving away my last $ will not leave me destitute. faith without evidence is dead (d). there is spiritual life in truth, therefore the consequence of lies/sin is death (e). death must be the creature that sits in my gut right now.

Luke 12:2 (a), John 8: 32 (b), John 14:6 (c), James 2:17,20,26 (d), Proverbs 10:16 (e), Romans 6:23 (e)

 100 pieces of me 02/08/2011

 a perfect square. 10×10=100. 100 dollars for a new jogging stroller. 100 sins. 100 loads of laundry. 100 hugs. 100 kisses. 100 x 20 years since Jesus walked the earth. 100 days to break a bad habit. or in my case 100 m&m’s and 100 doritos since i resolved to try and lose 100 pounds in 2011. 100 times falling off the diet wagon. 100 times getting back up to try again. simple math. eat less move more.  logically if i eat 100 less calories a day and burn 100 more calories in exercise i should shrink.  unfortunately that logic doesn’t always translate easily to weight loss. human emotion and error tend to get in the way.  my mind is weighed down by the guilt of 100 mistakes today.  have you ever tried to lift something that weighs 100 pounds? it is usually too heavy for one person. if you take it apart pound by pound it will be easier to shift. why am i willing to carry the extra 100 around day by day by day by day? instead of taking it apart piece by piece and relieving myself of the physical burden? i have to be honest with myself. sometimes it is easier not to try at all, rather than risk failure. admitting we need to change, means admitting we are doing something wrong.100 negative thoughts stand in the way of progress. if my negative thoughts had weight i would never be able to get out of bed in the morning. wait a minute. they do have weight. for every donut, french fry, and milkshake binge is fueled by negative thoughts. and given physical evidence in the climbing numbers on my digital scale and waistband.  100 guilty pleasures. 100 foot steps. 100 pieces of flesh.  i need to find a way to lose 100 pieces of me.